If I were your mirror
by 116788
Summary: Austria, 1888. A suicidal boy, a willing mistress, a stubborn father and a reluctant mother; these are the ingredients for the fall of one of the most powerful dynasties that has lasted for over 600 years. The Habsburg's empire is a sinking ship!


~ Dedicated to Empress Elisabeth of Austria. ~

"The most fascinating woman of her time, and perhaps the most complicated one as well."

 **Vienna, Austria. August 1888.**

 _"I'm scared and desperate._

 _They trapped me in a cage of steel_

 _and left me there to die_

 _with wounds that will not ever heal._

 _Only you, my mother,_

 _you could free me, if you will..."_

Elisabeth stared in the open fields with glazed over eyes, her soul completely ignorant of the outside world. In her mind, a whirlpool of emotions was raging like a tornado over a barren wasteland. Dried up and abandoned in the wind. The afternoon sun did not warm her up, and neither did the cup of tea in her delicate hands. With her eyebrows knitted together, she reflected on the last couple of weeks, here, back home. She hadn't particularly enjoyed the journey back, always that peculiar feeling down in the pit of her stomach, weighing on her like a heavy stone. Revisiting the past wouldn't do her good, she knew that. Yet, she still came. _Guilt, perhaps?_

Her husband had welcomed her warmly and had even prepared a bath so she could clean up after three weeks of travelling. Though she didn't quite feel welcomed back, she had accepted his offer graciously. After all those years, he still loved her as much as he did when they first met. He had been so devoted to her, and she had abandoned him, rejected his heart and left him in that cold, forsaken place.

Her plan was to stay for a few days and finally head back West, to Budapest, where she felt like she could be herself. Where she felt that she didn't have to put on her mask and play pretend.

But she stayed longer...

The soft clearing of a throat made her shift her attention.

"Your Majesty," a man bowed graciously, "your son would like an audience with you."

...and that was _his_ fault.

Behind the man, she could recognise him. His long locks, his slender but tall figure. His face, that familiar boyish looking face. She adored him, but she also felt resentment against him. It was wrong, so wrong. But there was nothing she could do about it. No matter how much she convinced herself that she loved him more than anything, she also hated him more than anything. And it was those feelings that she had been battling against from the moment he lived in her stomach until this very minute.

"Rudolf," she gasped when he bowed before her and kissed her hand gently.

"Mother," he started, "forgive me for invading your afternoon tea like this, but I need to speak with you urgently."

She nodded shortly and pointed at the chair across from her. He hesitantly sat down and fiddled with the golden buttons of his white blouse. While the waiter poured in another cup of tea for her and for her son, she stared into the fields again. Her mind anywhere but in the present. The cool breeze played with her dark locks that laid loosely around her thin shoulders. Today, she had decided not to do any exotic or elaborate hairstyles that would require her to sit for three or more hours. Today, she had allowed herself to let it all loose. Today, she decided not to care.

"Mother." His warm hand wrapped itself around hers. Instinctively, she pulled back immediately. Upon realising what she had done, she stared at him in shock.

The boy swallowed thickly and showed a weak smile. "I-..I-" He then hesitated.

Elisabeth noticed the awkward silence and his reluctance to speak further. "What is it." She sighed, half of her pretending she didn't care, half of her worrying the hell out of her son.

"I have come to you in desperation." His face grimaced painfully, showing all kinds of emotions in the few seconds he said those words. She saw clearly that he tried to contain himself and not burst out into tears. "I need your help," he choked out.

Her head was a heavy cannonball balancing on the frail and unstable skeleton that her body had become over the years of self-induced starvation and stress. She sighed heavily and rubbed her temples.

"With what." It came out softer than she had hoped as if she suddenly cared right now.

 _It'll have to do._

"There has been a misunderstanding! Father thinks I plotted an assassination against him. He is furious! But it's not true, I didn't do that, I would never!"

Rudolf jumped up and started pacing around, planting his heels deep into the marble on the terrace. Elisabeth stared after him. A vague smile hung around her lips, he always paced when he was stressed. He was a tiger, chains around his neck and feet that pulled him into a circus show he hadn't chosen for. He was a tiger, born to be tamed, born to do nothing more than sit and jump through hoops. He was a tiger that had yet to find his roar.

He took so much after his father in looks. The same stern eyes, the same jaw line, the same posture. How she wished his nature was also that of his father's. That he was brave, courageous, wise and loyal. That he desired to serve his empire and its people. That he desired to be the leader he was born to be. Instead, he was kind, tender, shy and longed for a freedom he would never have.

"What do you want me to do." She felt herself softening up, she really shouldn't.

But she did.

He stopped pacing and stared out into the fields. The same fields she admired so much. The fields that grew beautiful crops and flowers every year. After a moment of pure silence and bliss, he answered.

"Would you go to father and beg for his forgiveness? Please, he won't listen to me anymore..."

A blackbird landed on the branch of a tree next to her. It looked around with its tiny black buttoned eyes and for a brief moment, she and the bird exchanged looks. Then, it flew up and disappeared into the arms of freedom, a tender embrace between animal and nature. She reminded herself to order her ladies in waiting to pack her suitcases because she herself longed for the same embrace. One, where two kindred spirits met and where the world would, for one moment, be still.

"Mother?" He called her back to the terrace, to the afternoon tea that had been pleasantly peaceful. Until he arrived with his noise and earthly problems.

"I cut ties with your father a long time ago. I will not beg. Even when it's for you," she decided. In her chest, her heart beat twice as fast as she waited for his reaction.

Rudolf stared at her in anger. Or was it disappointment?

 _What's the difference anyway?_

"But, mother, I am your son!"

"So," she snorted.

"So!" He repeated. "Don't you at least care?"

'Care'. She hated that word. What did it even mean? She once kissed her son, hugged him good night and sang him lullabies, and everyone would say how much she cared. And then, she had to leave him because he had to choose his own path in life and not follow hers, and people suddenly said she carelessly abandoned him. As if she was only black or white. As if she was either good or bad. What did it matter to people? They only saw her for her decisions, they didn't want the reasoning behind them.

People were strange beings anyway. She much rather preferred animals. At least they didn't judge her. They didn't gossip. They didn't hurt her, or disappoint her. She could tell them all her secrets and they would carry them until death, not ever releasing one word of it to the outside world.

"I cared all my life and they never appreciated it. So why should I care now?"

"Because we are your family! Your job is to care about us. What an illusion, after all those years you still only care about yourself." Rudolf stared at the grand palace behind them. The sun was setting low and cast a golden light upon the magnificent building. A golden cage that he and his mother called home.

Elisabeth stood up slowly and walked toward her son. "I gave up my childhood so I could marry your father. I gave up my opinion because the empire needs an empress and not a woman."

With delicate fingers, she caressed his dark locks. "I gave up my body, so your father's bloodline would continue." She laid her hand on his shoulder and rested her head against it.

She was tired, so tired of it all.

"I gave up everything, so you would have a future. Don't ever accuse me of selfishness again."

He stayed quiet, only stared as the sun dropped into the fields and left the palace dark and grey. She knew all too well what he was thinking. With her other children she never knew what they were thinking, but with him, she somehow always knew. Rudolf blinked his eyes over and over again, trying to conceal the burning tears. His jaw was tensed and his shoulders were stiff. His entire body felt like it was about to explode any minute now. He didn't talk. He didn't look at her. It killed her, seeing him like this. An empty shell of a man. His once carefree and happy soul had left this body a long time ago.

As if it died along with hers...

"Rolf," she whispered, trying to wake him from his trance.

Rudolf took a step away from his mother. "You haven't given up on your pride," he stated.

He then suddenly dropped to his knees and grabbed her hand roughly. With tears in his blue eyes, he stared up at her.

 _A baby deer trapped by wolves._

"Please mother, I need you. I won't ask a favour of you ever again!"

She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly. Do what's right, do what is right, she chanted in her mind. He would hate her for this if he already didn't.

"You are a grown man now. Your problems are not mine anymore, do not burden me with them."

She pulled her hand from his grasp and took a step backwards. He looked so small and fragile. He shouldn't have to live in this cold and cruel world, he was too delicate for it. I did the right thing, she tried to convince herself. I did it to prepare him for the harsh life he will have to live. Though her mind knew she did the right thing, her heart shattered upon the sight of his broken form.

Rudolf slowly pulled himself up. His body shook and his face had darkened.

"You are cruel!" He spat at her. "I am your _son_! You're the only one I have left in this God forsaken world..."

He started sobbing hysterically. His shoulders hung low of exhaustion. "Please," he whispered, "please don't leave me alone. Not you as well..."

Elisabeth looked at her son, her broken son. She didn't break him. Her husband didn't break him as well. It was the world that broke him, that had disappointed him. That had hurt him, broken every bone in his body until he screamed for death. A world that he would once rule. A world that he could one day take revenge upon, and she had to prepare him for that. She had to prepare him to become a cold and heartless ruler, as they taught her to be. Unforgiving, uncaring. The world that shaped her who she had to be, no one cared for her wishes, her desires.

She laid her hand on his shoulder.

"I will not beg," she decided. "And that is final."

With her head held high and her back straight, she walked off. Not once looking back at her son.

Rudolf stared after her and watched how his mother walked out of his life for good. Tears streamed down his face and the world sank from under his feet. He had no one left. No one that tied him to this world. Knowing this left him feeling cold and numb, but relieved and free at the same time. He recollected himself and dried his eyes, he knew what he had to do now.

With a gun in his hand, he walked off.

"You brought this upon yourself, mother."

* * *

 **A/N: When you live in a world that is formed by and for men, as a woman, I can imagine how hard it would be to navigate in for women at that time. Though that 'old fashioned' world has changed quite a lot with today's, one could say it is still the same. Your actions through experiences define and shape who you are and will become. Sacrifices have to be made, no one is an exception. At least we have that in common in a life that is dictated by rules of those with a higher power. In the end, we all ask ourselves the question: would we have done it differently? Better perhaps? Has this life been fulfilling enough? The mind seeks adventure but the time will not always allow it. And while the body is bound to that, the soul will live on forever. So maybe in another time, and another life.**


End file.
